Oracle of Delphi
KC Hill
Paladin
Craig HillRugby Explained: The honest to goodness truth...sort of.
February 7th 2007 07:09
Seeing as this is Rugby World Cup year I expect my little Rugby blog's rating to go through the roof and also expect BIll Gates to announce that I am the brain behind MicroSoft and that's why it's actually called Micro. Soft.
Aneeewayyyy.
This post is dedicated to all you wonderful Orblers who read my Rugby posts...not really knowing anything about Rugby....because some of you are just all aflutter...
Hope this makes my rugby posts a bit intelligible.
Then again. I'm writing it. So maybe not.
What is Rugby Union?
It’s one of the 2 codes of rugby football, the other being thugby league.
Sigh...I’m going to get mauled I know it.
Rugby was named thus because it developed at the Rugby School in England.
It differs from league in that you have to be smart to play Rugby Union.
Oh God I’m possesed. I swear someone else is writing all this 'thugby' stuff...I would never be sobold rude.
Rugby has 15 players and real Forwards and a scrum.
League has 13 players, bore-wads and a pretend scrum.
It differs from soccer in that Rugby doesn’t tolerate poncy naff* pretty boys like Beckham. Oh and rugby players run with the ball in hand. They kick only to convert a try or for a penalty or drop goal.
Or if they’re desperate.
*Jonny Wilkinson may be a naff ponce but he's not a pretty boy.
Rugby players are groomed and gorgeous but they're not pretty.
It differs greatly from American grid-iron because grid-iron is not a real game.
It’s an excuse for Nipplegate.
The rugby ball is described as being 'prolate spheroid', which sounds rather rude but actually means it’s not round but a prolate sphere shape...a prolate having the polar diameter greater than the equatorial diameter.
In other words, it's egg shaped.
Rules of the Game:
Too many.
Won’t bother writing the rules because even seasoned rugby players and coaches and officials get confused.
One rule...
If you’re going to swear at the ref, please addend with Sir or Ma’am, as in “you’re f**king wrong....Sir/Ma’am.”
Also, you’re not allowed to throw the ball forward because it’s deemed unnatural...you can only pass the ball sideways or behind while moving forward.
Most of us call this Progress.
Point of the game:
To give me pleasure.
Other than that, the point of the game is to try and kick the All Blacks asses so hard, they won’t need to wear black shorts again.
Minor point of the game is to win of course, by trying and converting and scoring more points than the opposition.
Try = 5 points;
This is when players cuckold the opposition and get to the other side, the opposition goal line and ground the ball on the tryline, preferably on the other side of it and as close to the goal post as possible.
It's okay if it's not close but then this just means that the player is a selfish ass and deserves to get beaten up by his team mates.
Stephen Larkham always gets close to the goalpost.
Grounding of the ball is usually done by flying through the air with the greatest of ease...sometimes ending up with the sorest of knees.
The grounding of the ball must be done using hand, hands, arm or arms by pressing the ball down with controlled downwards pressure...which means you can't just fall on the f**ker but you can press down using your body from neck to the waist.
No groin movement to ground the ball.
This is Rugby not porn.
The try is named thus not because it is difficult to execute but because originally the touching down of the ball only gave you a "try" at scoring...Kicking for goal were the only points scored if the kick was good.
Conversion = 2 points;
After scoring a try, the scoring team tries (tee hee) a conversion whereby a player, usually the fly-half (Stephen Larkham is a fly-half but he doesn't kick for conversion...because he's already perfect) takes a kick at goal in line with where the ball was touched down.
This is why the try needs to be made as close as possible to the goalpost because trying to bend a Rugby ball is like trying to make Beckham think...
Right. What else?
Um...
Penalty try:
If you don't understand this...it's okay.
No one does.
We just shout for it any opportunity we can.
Points are also scored by
- penalty kicks (3 points and awarded for the strangest reasons usually because the Ref is an idiot)
- drop goals (3 points and kicked from somewhere mid field, usually by a player because streakers are no longer allowed)
Not to be mixed up as drop kicks...and you can't just kick anywhere.
As in, you can't just kick the ball in to the crowd and then wave your hands in the air and jump up and down and say "yeah!...I scored!!"
Both kicks have to travel above the crossbar and between the uprights of the H-shaped goalpost.
In the case of the dropkick goal, the ball must strike the ground before being kicked.
Don't ask me why.
That's about it for now.
What am I missing?
No lame brain jokes please.
Oh yeah.....the Players....watch this...drop goal....next post....
An Apology:
I'm sorry if mythugby rugby league comments offend.
I'm just living up to your poncy naff ra-ra elitist expectations.
Feel free to lambast me all you want.
Via comment or post.
I am a great purveyor of Equality.
Which is why I don't like league.
Aneeewayyyy.
This post is dedicated to all you wonderful Orblers who read my Rugby posts...not really knowing anything about Rugby....because some of you are just all aflutter...
Hope this makes my rugby posts a bit intelligible.
Then again. I'm writing it. So maybe not.
What is Rugby Union?
It’s one of the 2 codes of rugby football, the other being thugby league.
Sigh...I’m going to get mauled I know it.
Rugby was named thus because it developed at the Rugby School in England.
It differs from league in that you have to be smart to play Rugby Union.
Oh God I’m possesed. I swear someone else is writing all this 'thugby' stuff...I would never be so
Rugby has 15 players and real Forwards and a scrum.
League has 13 players, bore-wads and a pretend scrum.
It differs from soccer in that Rugby doesn’t tolerate poncy naff* pretty boys like Beckham. Oh and rugby players run with the ball in hand. They kick only to convert a try or for a penalty or drop goal.
Or if they’re desperate.
*Jonny Wilkinson may be a naff ponce but he's not a pretty boy.
Rugby players are groomed and gorgeous but they're not pretty.
It differs greatly from American grid-iron because grid-iron is not a real game.
It’s an excuse for Nipplegate.
The rugby ball is described as being 'prolate spheroid', which sounds rather rude but actually means it’s not round but a prolate sphere shape...a prolate having the polar diameter greater than the equatorial diameter.
In other words, it's egg shaped.
Rules of the Game:
Too many.
Won’t bother writing the rules because even seasoned rugby players and coaches and officials get confused.
One rule...
If you’re going to swear at the ref, please addend with Sir or Ma’am, as in “you’re f**king wrong....Sir/Ma’am.”
Also, you’re not allowed to throw the ball forward because it’s deemed unnatural...you can only pass the ball sideways or behind while moving forward.
Most of us call this Progress.
Point of the game:
To give me pleasure.
Other than that, the point of the game is to try and kick the All Blacks asses so hard, they won’t need to wear black shorts again.
Minor point of the game is to win of course, by trying and converting and scoring more points than the opposition.
Try = 5 points;
This is when players cuckold the opposition and get to the other side, the opposition goal line and ground the ball on the tryline, preferably on the other side of it and as close to the goal post as possible.
It's okay if it's not close but then this just means that the player is a selfish ass and deserves to get beaten up by his team mates.
Stephen Larkham always gets close to the goalpost.
Grounding of the ball is usually done by flying through the air with the greatest of ease...sometimes ending up with the sorest of knees.
The grounding of the ball must be done using hand, hands, arm or arms by pressing the ball down with controlled downwards pressure...which means you can't just fall on the f**ker but you can press down using your body from neck to the waist.
No groin movement to ground the ball.
This is Rugby not porn.
The try is named thus not because it is difficult to execute but because originally the touching down of the ball only gave you a "try" at scoring...Kicking for goal were the only points scored if the kick was good.
Conversion = 2 points;
After scoring a try, the scoring team tries (tee hee) a conversion whereby a player, usually the fly-half (Stephen Larkham is a fly-half but he doesn't kick for conversion...because he's already perfect) takes a kick at goal in line with where the ball was touched down.
This is why the try needs to be made as close as possible to the goalpost because trying to bend a Rugby ball is like trying to make Beckham think...
Right. What else?
Um...
Penalty try:
A penalty try can be awarded if, following any infringement of the laws, in the judgement of the referee a try would have been scored had the infringement not occurred.
If you don't understand this...it's okay.
No one does.
We just shout for it any opportunity we can.
Points are also scored by
- penalty kicks (3 points and awarded for the strangest reasons usually because the Ref is an idiot)
- drop goals (3 points and kicked from somewhere mid field, usually by a player because streakers are no longer allowed)
Not to be mixed up as drop kicks...and you can't just kick anywhere.
As in, you can't just kick the ball in to the crowd and then wave your hands in the air and jump up and down and say "yeah!...I scored!!"
Both kicks have to travel above the crossbar and between the uprights of the H-shaped goalpost.
In the case of the drop
Don't ask me why.
That's about it for now.
What am I missing?
No lame brain jokes please.
Oh yeah.....the Players....watch this...drop goal....next post....
An Apology:
I'm sorry if my
I'm just living up to your poncy naff ra-ra elitist expectations.
Feel free to lambast me all you want.
Via comment or post.
I am a great purveyor of Equality.
Which is why I don't like league.
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Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
hmmm could be something a little more interesting than meets the eye here... good its State of Origin at some point between now and December hey... go the Maroons (..ooops did I say that out loud?)
hilarious post Dusk
have a gr8 evening gerl
ash
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
bawdy good read that.
Well darn.
It's little wonder that the PM prefers the other code.
Can't stand any type of union, can he?
Aussie Rules?
What rules.
Is a predictable pass a morse pass or just telegraphed?
Norm.
Comment by David
If 1% of my teachers at school could have taught me subjects I wasn't initially interested in, in the riotous, hilarious manner that you construct an educational post (and in all seriousness? That was great in terms of the educational value, but even greater in terms of its wit and comedic value) ... then I would have been interested in every subject at school, and learned all there was to know about each and every one of them ...
When I watch Rugby ... the type of things that I don't understand are things like:
What is the history/origin of the scrum feed? As in, where did the ram-style head butting orginate? ...
And does it have to touch someone's foot before it's fed out? ... As in, just anyone's? ... And why are the scrum feeds (shit, hope i've got the right term here) ...restarted half of the time? ... Like what have they done wrong? ... As in what's the rules determining a scrum? (And I do understand that if someone goes the squirrell-grip or puts a finger up a guy's arse, they'll restart it okay? Unless the ref himself gets off on it? And forgets where he is??? ***
And the line-outs? ... They're another thing I don't fully understand ... As in rules/regs etc ... (And just to qualify? ... I umpired Aussie Rules, so if you quote rules/regs, etc? I'll be able to understand them ...
And the other thing I don't understand is what I think they call 'rolling scrum'? ... Where one team pushes the others back? ... What's the rules behind that ... Cos I don't undestand how they get in the position to do it ...
I'll ask you other questions if they crop up ... I'm just thinking back to the little Rugby I have watched ...
And? ... If you keep up posts like this? ... I'll enjoy the World Cup this year more than I ever have ... as long as someone snots that tosser Wilkinson? ... (Na, joking ... I always want to see the best teams assembled on the field so that when Australia does win ... We can say not 'We beat you fairand square' but ... 'Is that the best you can do?' ... ***
Loved this post ... (oh nearly forgot ... only 2 references to Stepehen Larkham in an entire post??? You're slipping... ***
David ...
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Rugby is so much more than just an eye
candy storeopening experience, sporting wise....it's drama, it's tragedy, it's grace and beauty, it's comedy, it's action, it's a thriller and full of satisfaction...Thanks for coming by Ash honey...and I'll just ignore that little original sin statement....
Hope you're well
Dusk
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
I thank you for your kind words.
As for our omnipresent PM (OPM?), well he marches to the beat of his own humdrum, every morning in his...gasp...Wallabies tracksuit.
...he has so much to apologise for...
ParaNORMal...as always...
Dusk
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Hmm...many, many questions and uncanny this - I was just pondering a new post on The Art of Scrummage and other Zen like pursuits.
The most magical words a rugby lover can hear are;
"Crouch. Hold. Engage."
And it's a 'rolling maul'...which is an unofficial scrum.
The French are very squirrel like.
Proctology is frowned upon mid game.
What happens off the field...well...that's a different ballgame...
The scrum feeds (very good) are not restarted...the scrum is...the ball is fed again..the scrum is restarted if the players have not binded properly or if the 2nd row is offside or if the Ref is a freakin' idiot, which is often the case.
What else?
scroll up
It's the hooker (the middle player of the front row) that 'hooks' the ball when it is fed into the scrum and that's when the pack pushes for supremacy and to get the ball back and out to the scrum half (or half back), who then gets it out to his first reciever, the brilliant and genius fly half, which leads me to this...what? only 2 references to Stephen Larkham?
Now who's counting?
I apologise for how 'straight' this comment is Treasure...I am feeling a bit..hmm....'bustrated'.
Yes, I remember the Odyssey...
Do you?
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
The best way to learn is to be thrown into a scrum. Just kidnap someone off the street and make them play hooker.
'Hunh? What the-! No, no! I don't WANT to be a hooker!'
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
"oh they're just props...they're there to make the set (scrum) look good...they won't hurt me..."
Thanks for coming by Cibby...and why let the rules get in the way of a good story...
Comment by Sandi
Anyway, onto a total girly comment, are those your arms in your banner? I'm in love with your arms.
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Oh come on now...you've seen a scrum but yeah...on PS2 and XBox...unfortunately there's no 'naked player' feature.
I tried.
Thanks for coming by Sandi
Dusk.
...and yes...and thank you...
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Funny description, I really enjoyed it, although I know nothing about either sport. I do know about Bill Gates though...*chuckle*
Questions: 'what's a scrum' : 'what's it's history'
You know, like cricket was a scullery maids game, originally played with a ball and the three legged milking stool and all that stuff, back in the olden days in UK ...
I thought someone said Rugby began in Wales? ... what posesses all those grown men to run after a funny shaped ball and then smell each others bums?
Why is there an ecliptic ball? Is there a significance, is it symbolic or something? WHy are you defending Rugby, don't Australian's like it?
*Cracking Up* and I'm not being facetious here, just genuine... for someone like me who doesn't 'get it' at all - in any of it's 101 forms... well, it's all ((hillarious)). I would really appreciate a history post - if you feel inclined one day my sweet? Would love to understand its origins more ...
~oOo~
I remember going to a 'football' game once in Sydney. A Red and white team (St George I think) were playing a blue coloured team - Bulldogs?. Anyhoo, I was trying to absorb my new culture at the time and so went along with the people from the office. I was about 19.
The game seemed interesting enough, although I couldn't understand all the 'rules.' Then everyone around me got pissed and began throwing great chunks of ice at each other. I got a serious hit in the arm and many others were seriously injured.
Reminded me of badly behaved Romans at the colesseum, except they didn't have eski's back then. *jj*
Seriously, loved your humour,
..just wanted to up your vote.
L.i.l.l.a
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Funny description, I really enjoyed it, although I know nothing about either sport. I do know about Bill Gates though...*chuckle*
Questions: 'what's a scrum' : 'what's it's history'
You know, like cricket was a scullery maids game, originally played with a ball and the three legged milking stool and all that stuff, back in the olden days in UK ...
I thought someone said Rugby began in Wales? ... what posesses all those grown men to run after a funny shaped ball and then smell each others bums?
Why is there an ecliptic ball? Is there a significance, is it symbolic or something? Why are you defending Rugby, don't Australian's like it?
*Cracking Up* and I'm not being facetious here, just genuine... for someone like me who doesn't understand at all - in any of it's forms... well, it's all ((hillarious)). I would really appreciate a history post - if you feel inclined one day my sweet? Would love to understand its origins more ...
~oOo~
I remember going to a 'football' game once in Sydney. A Red and white team (St George I think) were playing a blue coloured team - Bulldogs?. Anyhoo, I was trying to absorb my new culture at the time and so went along with the people from the office. I was about 19.
The game seemed interesting enough, although I couldn't understand all the 'rules.' Then everyone around me got pissed and began throwing great chunks of ice at each other. I got a serious hit in the arm and many others were seriously injured.
Reminded me of badly behaved Romans at the colesseum, except they didn't have eski's back then. *jj*
Seriously, loved your humour,
..just wanted to up your vote.
L.i.l.l.a
Comment by Anonymous
What is a scrum? It sounds painful.
Are Aussie Rugby players as good looking as the soccero's?
I only watch ball sports to see handsome men in tight shorts so the dress code is important to me as well.
I went to a league game once but the spectators where scary, the beer was warm and the players were ugly so I didnt bother again.
If I go back through some posts will I find answers to the above?
Lazy Miss Nomer
Just noticed David asked what a scrum is to, so I'll wait my turn
Comment by Nina
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Okay...hmm...where do I start?
Will have to write a rugby history post...am about to post a scrum post...and continue my explanation on the players...the backs this time...
Rugby is named thus because he game was developed from the rules used to play at Rugby School, which is located in the town of Rugby, Warwickshire, England.
(This is one of the oldest schools in England)
Rugby Union is played worldwide and the reason I may sound defensive is because in Australia, Rugby has a very elitist reputation...it's considered a 'white collar class' (cripes...I hate this labeling bulls**t) game.
I have always considered Rugby to be a working class game...with the emphasis on class.
The game you went to see (3 years ago...?) was a thugby league game.
With the emphasis on....
Rugby is not really football...it's not a kicking game, like Aussie Rules or soccer (or swimming...what? never mind).
The ball is a prolate spheroid (sorry...I really like this term...) because it needs to be held, like in the banner for this site, with both hands and bangles jangling.
It's quell each others scrum...
Grown women (I used to play), boys and girls play this game too.
The beauty of Rugby is that it doesn't discriminate...all shapes, all sizes...only requisite...you've got to know how to channel brain and brawn...one is not mutually exclusive from the other...
Thanks for coming by Lovely Lilla...hope you are well...
Dusk
...you must have really enjoyed this post...twice the appreciation...
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
It seems like at every opportunity they're throwing themselves down on one another to "get the ball"...I bet.
Thanks for the laugh. Off to read part 2....
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Will be writing a post on this...
Crouch. Hold. Engage.
3 of the greatest words a rugby lover will hear.
They're better looking.
Click on this to see the most gorgeous one of all...
And no.
Miss Nomer...I am really happy you came by.
Hope you are well.
DuskDevi
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
I exist to entertain and enlighten...just call me The Dalai Lamer...!
Ah sheesh...I crack myself up.
Hope you're well Ninabelle.
Dusk
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Kids took over the bed again??
Yes, rugby has female refs...and players.
Girls and boys play rugby together, til 12 then they split.
They say this is to protect developing girls but...I don't buy it.
12yo girls and 12yo boys...it's all a bit unfair...for the boys...they're midgets in comparison.
What's really scary is wheelchair rugby aka 'murderball'...holy cow...scary stuff and I know a ref...a female ref...a gorgeous, brilliant, very girlie and very crazy female ref.
Her name is KarenC and she's an Orbler..albeit MIA.
Actually...it's quite good playing rugby with the boys because they have this old fashioned notion that women are delicate...they refuse to tackle!
And yes...they always have their eye on the ball..
Your love and stuff in a boomerang Mrs M
Dusk
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Back to the topic.
Love your summary. My dad always said that Union is a gentleman game, and league is for thugs.
And I can't quite see the point of why league has a scrum at all.....if it's not going to be a proper one, why have it???
Now, I must read up on part 2.
Kylie
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Your father is a very very intelligent man...and not just because he has you for a daughter.
I don't see the point of league. Fullstop.
Glad you're back online Kylie...
Dusk
...who should also be doing some work but why let work get in the way of a good Friday...
Comment by Social Commentator
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Oh come on now...Henson's not a pretty boy...he's Welsh and prays at the Charlotte Church...I think.
Okay he does some decidedly non Rugby things (which I am not going to list here) but I dare anyone to say to his face "hey Henson...who's a pretty boy then". Not unless you want a new nose...
I was brought up in the UK SC.
So you're saying Beckham is a scrubber then?
Thanks for coming by.
DuskDevi